1) Eating way more food than normal, and doing it in really weird ways. Like organizing baby carrots by size or completely chopping up an apple into neat slices. Whodafuck does that? Or you do what I just did and eat cake standing up in my kitchen with no pants on. HOLLAAA.
2) Going to that weeeeeeird part of Tumblr. Just a whole bunch of click-throughs and you end up looking at gay midget porn involving Zelda cosplays and bacon. Then you have a sort of out-of-body experience where you look at your whole life and all your choices and feel like the most epic failure of your generation.
3) Finding out how to DIY curtains and things because you’ve decided to become crafty in order to avoid writing papers/studying. You pin a lot of things to a board entitled “DIY Stuffff” and plan out all the fun things you’re going to do.
4) Clean your room enthusiastically and organize all your shit. There is no reason a closet needs to be color-coded but FUCK might as well do it anyway.
5) Researching ridiculous topics like the mating habits of the Blue-footed Booby for no fucking reason. Just because it’s there. And it’s not the work you need to get done.
6) Playing with your own hair a LOT. Just keep putting it up in a bun then taking it down then ponytail then down then bun again but this time a different one oh is that a headband oh let me see that no nevermind no headband DO YOUR FUCKING PAPER.
Recently, I had a guy friend confess to me that most guys have no idea how to tell if a girl is interested in him, which is pretty sad, because I feel like we’re pretty goddamn obvious if we’re really into somebody. Body language, people! For all the guys out there who remain confused, this is for you. Hope it helps.
1) The “Look How Small My Hands Are Compared to Yours” Move
My personal favorite (because I have baby hands), this move is a telltale sign that she wants the D, bro. I’m not a scientist or anything, but I’m pretty sure you could compare this move to when female animals let male animals act like big show-offs in the wild. Except we totally initiate it. We know what’s up.
2) Unnecessary Physical Contact
Pretty sure we’re capable of talking to you without putting our hands on your arms. If a girl does this, she likes you, dude. We don’t just go around touching people. If a girl touches your arm, or asks for a hug often, or pretends to pick a fuzzy off your shirt or something, she’s probably interested in you. Typically if we don’t like a guy at least a little bit we’ll try to have as little physical contact with them as humanly possible, short of literally running away every time you’re around.
3) Touching our Faces/Hair/Clothes While We Talk to You
We’re fidgeting because we’re trying to make sure all our shit’s in the right place. We don’t want our hair sticking up or our makeup looking crease-y or our shirts riding up when we’re talking to you because we want to look good.
4) Over-enthusiastic Texts
I’m surprised this is even misinterpreted. Guys, do you really not get this? What the fuck, bro? If she’s sending you lots of smiley faces, or using unnecessary extra letters, or saying shit like “We should totally hang out sooooon!!! :),” she’s into you, dude. I don’t even know why you have to ask. Seriously? This is confusing? What are we supposed to do, take our shirts off and jump on you? I don’t know how to make this any easier.
5) Laughing a Lot
If I like somebody, I laugh at shit he says that isn’t even funny. Like, not at all. But being around somebody you like just lends itself to stupid unnecessary giggling. If you notice she’s giggling a lot more around you, she’s probably interested. Or she’s on peyote. I dunno. It’s all situational.
“Some people are Autobots, and other people are Decepticons, and I just feel like in this situation I’m a Decepticon.”
This one happened when I was a freshman in high school at prom with a senior from another school. During the dance he got back together with his girlfriend so I was just the weird girl sitting at the table who didn’t know anybody. He came over and said this to me to…make me…feel better? Or something? I don’t really know why he said it but I’m super happy he did because now it makes me laugh uncontrollably.
“You make me feel like sucha asshole.”
When I was in 8th grade a guy broke up with me OVER AIM because I was smarter than him, and this is the exact phrasing he used. Sucha. Sucha asshole. I guess he did break up with me for a reason. Pffffft.
“Your ass could like take over Japan.”
I mean, this guy cut right to the chase. He liked my ass a lot and decided he needed to tell me RIGHT AWAY and with lots of detail. Which, I guess, is ballsy, but does that mean that my ass is like Godzilla or something? Cause I don’t know how I feel about that. Anyway, this happened while tanning on the beach in the Bahamas. Unbelievably, he actually asked me if I wanted a drink immediately following this and was confused when I said no. Legitimately confused. *Sigh.*
“So, when’s the last time you hugged a tree? I just got done hugging one a while ago.”
I guess someone told this guy I was a “tree hugger,” so this was his clever way of incorporating that into telling me he just masturbated. So, like…cool. Good for you, buddy. Livin’ the dream.
“I present myself as a warlock.”
I just. I mean. I don’t know how to respond to that. I don’t really…okay…I guess. Cool. Typically this isn’t something you tell a girl you just met but like, okay. This guy was also a total douche (as if that’s a surprise.)
“Can you describe your nipples to me?”
No I cannot.
1) Wear a dress shirt and roll up the sleeves.
Dear sweet Jesus take the wheel. There is nothing more attractive than a professional-looking man bein’ all casual. Ugh lord. Forearms are super underrated and also super fucking sexy. The only thing I want to do when I see a man wearing an Oxford with the sleeves rolled up is rip it from his body forcefully like a wild gorilla. It just brings out that primal side in me, I dunno.
2) Wink and smile at you after cracking a subtle inside joke.
OH MY GOD WE’RE THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE ON THE PLANET. That little mischievous twinkle in a guy’s eye is so unbelievably sexy I might die. There’s a kind of boyish charm about it without having to be all Dateline-y and date a little boy. I suggest not doing that. Like at all. Ever. BUT in the event that you find a man with this boyish Machiavellian quality about him (you lucky, lucky bitch, you) HOP ON THAT AND NEVER LET IT GO.
3) That really low whisper in your ear when you’re cuddling.
…..we all know what this leads to. CUE THE MARVIN GAYE, PEOPLE, THIS IS HAPPENING.
4) Love animals, and have a few.
Selflessness is really attractive to me, and it’s hard to be selfish when you’re a good pet parent. Guys that have pets (or don’t and just love animals) are so fucking hot because they take care of and appreciate something that can do literally nothing for them but return love.
5) Take off a t-shirt when working outside in the hot sun, then tuck it into the back of his jeans.
Mmmmmmmmm…..James Dean, anybody? Fuck yes. This. All guys, do this. This is sexual. This works. You don’t even have to try. Soon as you do this I throw my panties across the room. Done deal.
Of all the sad, pathetic creatures on the planet, you all win the prizes. You, the players. The guys who “talk” to one girl while also “talking” to five others. The guys who make one girl feel like she is the ONLY one, when in fact she is just one of many. The guys who are too selfish to understand that they’re hurting people, whether they know it or not.
What are you hoping to accomplish by playing several girls at once? Do you think it will make you cooler? More manly? From where I stand, you don’t look very much like a man. On the contrary, you look like a selfish little boy. Do you think that news of what you’ve done won’t get out? I have a secret for you: girls find out everything. Whenever you think you’re being sneaky, you aren’t. We warn each other, us girls. There is a network of universal sisterhood. And if you fuck up, you fuck up everywhere.
To one of you in particular, I say this: Thank you. Thank you for not living up to my expectations of you, because I had a suspicion that you were too good to be true, and you didn’t let me down there. I only wish more people knew how much of a jerk you are. Instead, I come out looking like the “crazy” one. The one who loved too much, and too easily. But I am not the only one at fault, here.
It was always really sweet of you to only invite me over past midnight. When it happened, I was elated. You noticed me. You wanted me around. I’m pissed at myself for not realizing sooner that it wasn’t because you liked me, it was because you were ashamed for people to know about us in the daylight. And when I asked to slow down you got scared and ran, because for a second there you forgot I had feelings. But you were sure to say, “Hey, if we could just keep this between us, that would be great. I can’t have rumors going around.”
So I’m supposed to sit and suffer while you’re allowed to escape scot free? I’m supposed to just let it eat away at me that I wasn’t good enough for you? That I was rejected time and time again only to have you lead me on and reject me again? That you broke my heart? I don’t think so, buddy. You’re shit out of luck. I have more pride than to let you go on pretending to be an all-around good guy. Because you’re not. I think what bothers me most about you all is exactly how charming, wonderful, funny, and smart you are. But a nice shell like that doesn’t make up for the sick rot that is your soul.
You cannot, absolutely CANNOT be on the brink of dating someone – and in actuality be all that into her – if you hook up with other girls. One of two things will happen. You will either a) end up dating girl #1 and have your relationship end in a fiery inferno because it began on a foundation of dishonesty and sliminess, or b) come to your senses but end up losing BOTH girls because you are a selfish, entitled prick. I think either one of those options is fitting for you, you son of a bitch.
1) He only invites you over to his place late at night via text or IM.
A guy who truly liked you (or was even half decent, for that matter) would be proud to be seen out with you in public. He wouldn’t rely on the cover of the night to hurriedly rush you into his apartment at two AM. This sort of thing usually means that he’s got someone else. She’s the daytime girl, and you, unfortunately, are the night time girl. And it never ends well for the night time girl, because we are fillers. We’re something to rely on when he’s lonely, sad, drunk, high, horny, etc. and we’re not actually human in his eyes. If you were a human woman worthy of respect (in his eyes), he would call you on the phone. He would take you out to dinner. If he saw friends while the two of you were hanging out, he would introduce you. He wouldn’t immediately take you to his bedroom when you got to his apartment. He would make you feel worthy of love. This late night bullshit is for the birds. Fuck that guy. Tell him to go to hell. (Oh, and you might want to let this other girl know what he’s up to, because I guarantee there’s another girl, and I guarantee it will feel awesome. He doesn’t deserve your kindness or discretion.)
2) He makes you feel guilty for doing things you like to do.
This one typically involves a double-standard, too. If you want to go out with your friends, it’s a huge deal and he pouts for a lifetime. If he springs a last minute “guy’s night” on you, you’re expected to be totally okay with it all the time or you’re a huge bitch. If he doesn’t respect that you have your own stuff going on, then he doesn’t respect you. You’re essentially a glorified accessory, like a watch, or a stupid snapback or whatever it is these assholes wear.
3) He acts totally put-out and frustrated if you ask him the smallest favor.
Say you’re sick and you ask him to pick up ice cream on the way home. A good guy would say okay, no questions asked. Or decline politely and explain why. A douchebag would bitch and moan and talk about how out of the way the grocery store is and can’t you just get it I’m going out with my friends tonight me me me me me me me. To these guys, I say: GO FUCK YOURSELF. SELFISHNESS IS UGLY.
4) He contacts you only when he needs something.
Even if it seems small and doesn’t require any money, this is usually a key sign that he’s a dick. I’m an actor, so if a guy I like asks me for help “finding a monologue” or something, I know something’s fishy. You have other actor friends. Ask them. Why me? I don’t know any more about male monologues than they do. Probably less. Even if it’s information, or homework help, or something dumb like that – take it as a red flag. Now, if this doesn’t happen often, that should be alright. But if it’s every single time he initiates a conversation, he’s not interested in you, he’s interested in what you can give him.
5) He puts down your friends.
No matter how insignificant, if he makes comments about your friends being “bitches” or “jealous of what we have,” he’s a douchebag. The fact of the matter is that typically what your friends say about your relationship is more accurate than what either of you say, because they are impartial third party observers. They can see the cracks in the foundation from the outside while you’re in fucking lalaloopsyloveland riding around in his shitty car with shitty subwoofers sitting in the shitty backseat because his shitty friends take precedent over you.
6) He reminds you of how lucky you are to have him.
Ugh puke. My ex was like this. Like it was some fucking gigantic favor he was doing me just to be in my presence. Fuck off, douche. I’m doing something with my life. All you do is sit on your ass and play video games. Get a grip. Time for a reality check. If you were really lucky to have a guy, he wouldn’t need to fucking remind you. You’d just know. You’d be happy. He’d tell you how lucky he was to have you.
Moral of the story: A guy that’s worth your time is proud of you, wants to show you off, wants to take care of you, and respects you. Anything less and he’s not worth it. He doesn’t deserve to eat gum off the bottom of your shoe.
I’ve had the pleasure of growing up in a home that appreciates the innate quotability of almost every movie and TV show in existence. I frequently use these gems to fit a plethora of everyday events and situations, and hope that the people in my company have any idea what I’m talking about. Honestly, they usually don’t. So everyone knows what I mean, here are a few of my most frequently used lines:
Matilda:
“We can’t leave valuable packages sitting out on the doorstep!” – when my dad leaves packages on the porch. He also says this when I leave packages on the porch. Or just for no reason at all.
“Much too good for children.” – when my dog begs for food.
“The distance the shotput goes depends upon the effort you put into it. PERSPIRATION!” – when I’m trying to pump someone up, or terrify them.
“Your mommy… was a TWIT!” – when anyone mentions anything their mom said. Literally anything.
30 Rock:
“Good God, Lemon.” – when anyone does something stupid or awkward or horrifying. Sometimes I say it to myself.
“I want to go to there.” – if I see something about SeaWorld or some other awesome place. Or it is food-related.
Futurama:
“Why is…those things?” – whenever I don’t understand something, like math. Or boys.
“Good news, everyone!” – when I come home with good news. I also say this with Farnsworth’s voice.
*Zoidberg Scuttle Noise* - when escaping from an awkward situation by making it even more awkward.
The Office:
“R is one of the most menacing sounds. That’s why they call it MURRRDERRR and not mukduk.” – if someone emphasizes a word with an R in it.
“I am Beyonce always.” – If someone says anything whatsoever about Beyonce.
“We will burn Utica to the ground!” – if I’m being heist-y. Or intimidating.
Family Guy:
“Peter, I’m holdin’ iced tea!” – if someone says something so funny I would spill my hypothetical iced tea.
“You little LIAH!” – if I catch somebody in a lie, obvi.
“That’s where I go to make out with my boyfriend, …Darren….Mitchell…stork. Yep, he’s…uh…he’s the…chairman…of the soccer…ball team.” – if I’m making up a boyfriend so my mom and/or my friends don’t think I’m lame when I go to the movies by myself.
Star Wars:
“The force is strong with you, young Skywalker, but you are not a Jedi yet.” – when I am training someone to be a Jedi, or OWNING my father at Wii Bowling.
Sometimes when you really like someone it seems like they’re the perfect person for you inside and out. It’s like they were designed with you in mind, and you think it can’t get any better. The problem is though, when you’re infatuated with someone, there’s a tendency to project all of those good things onto people who may not really deserve it.
The perfect song I can think of to describe this shitty phenomenon is “Baby Lee” by the Teenage Fanclub. The poor guy’s just so transfixed on this Baby Lee person he even says she could love him, leave him, take his possessions and go. What other demon emotion but infatuation would cause you to be okay with somebody using you for sex then fucking stealing your stuff and leaving? WTF dude, seriously? Have you ever been that into someone?
I definitely have.
We have this idea in our heads about what the perfect partner would be and when we find someone who has at least one of those qualities, we put all the other things we’re looking for onto him even if what he actually is is nothing like what we’re looking for. That’s why we get so devastated when they turn out to be nothing like what we thought they were. It’s disappointing, but it’s better than living inside a delusion, right? It’s almost like finding out you’ve been in love with someone who doesn’t exist, and that’s one of the worst kinds of hurt.
Actually, it’s like ordering something online that you thought was AMAZING, and got all these good reviews, and you thought would solve everything. And when it gets to your house, you open the box and it’s this weird miniature version of what you wanted and it doesn’t do anything you thought it would. With stuff like that, you’ve just gotta return it and move on. Otherwise, it’ll sit in your house collecting dust and continually frustrate you that it hasn’t lived up to your expectations.
Be careful with your hearts, people (especially highly sensitive people like me) because the worst kinds of people out there know how to take advantage of your endless love for everyone. And when you’re infatuated, well…there’s no stopping the heartache.
The memories I have of you, of us, when things were sweet – those are all mine to keep. I’ll keep them in a locket close to my chest, right over my heart. I’m keeping the inside jokes that annoyed everyone. I’m going to keep your hoodie, because it’s comfy and I deserve it. I’m keeping the smile that used to play on your lips, and the way you blushed redder than a tomato when you were nervous. I’m keeping what’s left of my heart so you can’t get anywhere near it anymore. I’m going to keep that magical feeling I always got right before we kissed, the way your hands were everywhere at once, as if you couldn’t get enough of me, as if I were the most beautiful thing you’d ever seen. That way you looked at me as if I were the only other person in the room – that’s mine. And what’s mine isn’t yours anymore.
You can keep the memory of me when I was happy, so it can make you feel worse when you’re low. You can keep my nervous giggle on our few first dates, I don’t have a use for it anymore. You can keep the look in my eyes as you told me you thought we should be friends. I can put them all in a bag for you so you can keep them together. They’re kind of a package deal. You’re more than welcome to the buckets of tears I shed over you. And those times I called you crying in the middle of the night? Those are all yours. You can have that stupid movie you bought me for my birthday – nobody wants a used fucking Jason Statham movie from her boyfriend as a gift. If you want the way I would have done anything for you, you can have it. I’ll pack it in the box next to our plans for the future, provided you still want those to use next time. Otherwise it’s all going in the dumpster out back.
When something truly devastating happens – and I’m using devastating subjectively…everyone has individual devastations that are unable to be measured or judged by anyone else – it’s hard to feel like anything ever made you happy. I wish it were as simple as something inside you “shriveling up and dying,” as I’ve heard all too often. If a figurative part of you really died, it would actually be a blessing because you wouldn’t be able to feel it anymore, right? You wouldn’t feel that hurt, that dull constant ache peppered with sharp pangs like knives when you let yourself think too much. It’s therapeutic to keep your distance from your thoughts for a while, but in time they inevitably sneak up on you when you least expect it. You allow yourself to get too distracted – for me, it happened while sectioning a grapefruit. I stood at my counter this morning, feeling the numb onset of a depressive episode my bipolar disorder has caused me to fear, and decided to slice a grapefruit for breakfast. Steadfastly, I ran my knife around the outer edge, careful not to slice into that speckled white pulp, then carefully I sliced each individual section, when all at once a flashback hit me like a freight train and I dropped my knife, letting it clatter to the floor. I’d been paying so much attention to the grapefruit that I’d forgotten to remind myself to forget.
It’s the curse of those of us who feel too much to be unable to escape the dizzying thoughts in our heads when our hearts are broken, but it’s imperative to keep going. As it is normally, my crushing sadness is a result of a moment of manic recklessness, and because those moments happen often, I’ve learned a sort of system for dealing with the aftermath.
Don’t let yourself crawl back into bed after you wake up.
Force yourself to open your blinds, don’t hide in the darkness.
Don’t blame yourself for something that happened as a result of someone else’s callousness.
Do let yourself cry if you need to (one of those awful ugly cries where every part of your face leaks). A good cry can do wonders.
Don’t be afraid to feel what you’re feeling. You’ll have to feel it eventually and it may as well be now.
Above all, don’t let yourself give in to feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, or inferiority. You are stronger than you know and caring makes you so. What you should do when you feel dead inside is remind yourself of things that make you feel alive. After the grapefruit incident, I had a good cry for ten minutes, and then I did some yoga and went for a run to clear my head. All I could think about then was breathing, feeling my muscles move, and the music blasting through my ear buds. I didn’t think about feeling used, or feeling ugly, or feeling inadequate. I thought about feeling alive. And because of that, I shook off the frost and did feel alive again. If only for a few minutes.
