On the Tip of My Tongue

1. How to Do Taxes

Um just looking at those forms gives me a headache, and if I tried to save all my receipts and nonsense for a whole year I’d probably have a coronary.

2. What is a 401k and Why Do I Need One

Seriously. What and why. Help.

3. How to Break Up with Somebody

It’s dreadful to be with someone you don’t feel anything for anymore, and it’s even more dreadful to decide what to say when you end it. So to avoid staying in a shitty poo poo relationship forever just because you don’t know how to break up with someone, take this hypothetical class. It would be broken up into four units: “We need to talk.” “We’ve grown apart.” “I’ll get a box together of all your stuff.” And, last but not least, “Please stop calling me.”

4. How to Order Drinks at a Crowded Bar

Am I the only one who has severe social anxiety when I have to think about telling a frazzled bartender what I want while surrounded by a bunch of yelling morons trying to do the same thing? I can’t be. I feel like I always have to rush, then I end up getting something easy and quick to say, like a Rum & Coke, when I really don’t want it. This would be a good class to take to avoid sitting grumpily at a bar with a drink you don’t really want all that much and rehearsing your lines for the next time you’ll have to speak to a bartender. Eep.

5. How to Do Dishes without Touching Soggy Yucky Food

Top scientists are working on a solution to this problem. There is literally nothing grosser in the universe than accidentally touching old dinner that soaked overnight. Ugh I’m cringing just thinking about it. And I know, I know, you say, “Just wear rubber gloves.” WE’RE NOT ALL MILLIONAIRES, ALRIGHT.

6. What to Do when Your Childhood Pet Dies

In my senior year of high school, my beloved and wonderful mutt, Jessie passed away at the ripe old age of 13 and I actually stayed home from school for the next two days. People are less apt to help you when you tell them you’re grieving over a pet and not a human, but it’s a grieving process just the same, and should be treated as such. Even if other people can’t support you, this class could help you support yourself. It’s like you’re losing the last little piece of being a kid you have, and it’s super devastating.

7. How to Read Laundry Symbols and Not Shrink Things You Love

R.I.P. Comfy sweater, you served me well. If only I knew what triangle surrounding dot with two lines underneath it meant. I might have saved your life.